My body, my mind, myself

......where is it? I miss them. This body and mind I have now does not feels like they belong to me. They're always too tired and stiff. Ahtiow's body and mind should not be like this. No.

Pillar of pillars

Sometimes I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know who to trust now. I can't grasp what's happening around me. I can't foresee the immediate road ahead. My mind's a jumble now. A mess.

I have some pillars of which to lean on from time to time. Some given to me, some created by me. The pillar that she is providing is the strongest one for me now. Soon, no matter what I do, most, if not all, shall be together with her, for her. No more me for myself.


The Guardian and The Guarded

Things are very messy as it is now for me, I should not let things grasp the slimmest chance that it can have to mess things up further for me. I can't and I don't want to take shit anymore.

Family's family, friend's are friends, things shall go ahead with me and her in the front, then the formers will have to be put behind for now, at least.

I still care a lot for my family, I will always be. I will always be the son, the youngest brother, the uncle, the me.

Now, I won't expect changes, it will be me making changes from now on.

Hugs,
me

A reminder to self

"With the moonlight to guide you, feel the joy of being alive, the day that you stop running is the day that you arrive, and the night that you got locked in was the night that you decide, stop chasing shadows just enjoy the ride" - Enjoy the Ride, Morcheeba

- A reminder to self: Life is a continuous process, do what I gotta do for now while constantly be grateful for all the good things thats happening around me. Its ok to be constantly on the run. What's important is to know when to take a breather. Don't stop for too long, procrastinations will get me nowhere. No matter how hard it is, you will stop running once you reach your destination. Keep the destinations in mind and enjoy the roads! By the way, ahtiow, don't forget, you are not alone in all this, you have your other half running with you now! =)

Love,
ahtiow

A retreat to ahtiow cave

When I strap my helmet on
I'll be long gone
'Cause I've been dying to leave
Yeah, I'll ride the range and hide all my loose change
In my bedroom

'Cause riding a dirtbike down a turnpike
Always takes it's toll on me

I've had just about enough
Of quote, "diamonds in the rough"
Because my backbone is paper thin
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in

If the bombs go off
The sun will still be shining
Because we've heard it said that every mushroom cloud
Has a silver lining (Though I'm always undermining too deep to know)



Swallow a drop of gravel and blacktop
'Cause the road tastes like wintergreen
The wind and the rain smell of oil and octane
Mixed with stale gasoline

I'll soak up the sound trying to sleep on the wet ground
I'll get ten minutes give-or-take
'Cause I just don't foresee myself getting drowsy
When cold integrity keeps me wide awake
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in

I'll keep my helmet on just in case my head caves in
'Cause if my thoughts collapse or my framework snaps
It'll make a mess like you wouldn't believe
Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track

And if my intentions stray
I'll wrench them away
Then I'll take my leave and I won't even look back
I won't even look back

12th August 2010

Been reading my previous few posts, realised how much I have abandoned the blog. And that reminds me of how much I abandoned my feelings inside as well, and the love and promises that I made with myself for her.

Last 2 months has been a fucking roller coaster ride for me and for her. We were thrown everywhere, smacked into everything, sometimes in the same direction, sometimes total opposites, sometimes alone, sometimes we dont even know what was what.

In my efforts to be the strong one for the both of us, I have gave up some other things. And it's only right for me to pull myself back and be the one that she loves.....and in doing so, she too, will be back to her own self, back to be the one that I love (I know, loving someone means to love her no matter what, when and how. Yet, I am not perfect, so, yeah, sometimes I can't stand it when she is not being herself) and need.

Love,
ahtiow

There's something in your eyes, that makes me wanna fall for you

There's something in your eyes, that makes me wanna fall for you, and fall heads over heels we did. Missing you so much, keep that something in your eyes, this is gonna pass and we're gonna be building our lives together.

The way we want it!

Love you!
Lougong

I miss my ahchichi so so much!!!!!

you cried my heart out.

....it was the most heart wrenching cry that I ever heard, and I could not bear to see that sweet little face of yours when you are crying like this, and all the time that you were crying, your hand never left my body and my hands, try as I may to be strong for you, I could not hold my own tears anymore, and we both cried, one silently, the other one out loud.

I never cried like this before, not in the train, not in front of the house, not as sad, not as this. yet, no matter how hard it is for me, one could never fathom how much harder it is for you.

You keep reminding me to take care of myself, to tidy the room, not to cut that deep when I cut my nails, to voice out my frustration if anyone at work is being an ass, and all the small tiny details of my everyday life. You kept asking what will I do when I need someone to talk to, who can I look for to accompany me to JB for my haircut, who will rub my back for me when I couldn't sleep, what can I do when I misses you and a thousand and one what ifs.....all these, while you are crying you heart out. And you cried my heart out too.

I love you like I never loved before and there is much more of your love for me than my love for you.



老婆， 我地要坚强啊！！！！

I cried in a hotel room, watching a music video.

I surprises myself sometime. I actually cried in a hotel room, listening to Alanis's Hand In My Pocket acoustic version video on the 14 inch TV in the room.

It just kind of resonates with the situation that I am in now, being unhappy at this place, working an underpaid job, waiting for the time for me to actually leave and start working for our own.

Yet, the chorus always reminds me of the very old chinese saying "The ship will straightens itself upon reaching the bridge".

And now, I should make the decision when to leave here and start tying all the loose ends.

Love,
ahtiow

我和以前不一样了。。。。。

Saw this on my favorite nephew's FB profile. It is just too sad


.


Behind all those smirks and smiles, we can only guess how broken he is inside.

He may probably not able to walk and run like a perfectly normal person, but hope that's just that. That everything else will and can still 回到以前一样。

Love,
ahku

J.O.Y.

joy
–noun
1.the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation:
2.a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated
3.the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4.a state of happiness or felicity.


You are simply the definition of joy.





Examplified.


Love,
me

From me to you.

I just keep on telling you the things that you didnt wanna hear, you told me before that you dont want to hear them, but I still keep repeating them, as if with each repetitions, you will be able to grasp a little bit more of what I am feeling deep inside of me. But instead of keep telling those things that you hate to hear, I should really keep reminding myself that if hurts you so much everytime I say those things. Maybe I should grasp more of how hurtful the stabbing that I caused in your chest every time I do those things rather than hoping you could grasp the worst fear that I have inside of me.

I have all your supports and faith, it should be enough for me. I know that, and I thank you for that.

But, I don't have anything for you. And I hate myself for that.


Everytime that you cry, you melts everything within me. You made everything stop and the world listens to you and you only. Your mumbles, even when most of them are undecipherable, they only say one thing out loud: "我需要我老公！！！！！！“

I know I don't say them often enough, but it's true, I need you as much as you need me.

Everytime I am lost, you guide me back to our paths.

Everytime I float, you bring me back to the ground.

Everytime I stoop, you hold my head up and straightens my shoulder.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I will say it once only, "Sometimes you make me feel like I don't deserve you......"

There, I said it, and I am slapping myself for writing it down. The only reason that I wrote that down is to remind me that instead of thinking of the things that my man-ego demands me to think, I should constantly tell myself that I should make things works out the best for us both.

And I shall make you happy. As happy as you were when we first met.

Then, and only then, we will be back to our honeymoon period.

I love you,

Lougong.

a day in my life.....I feel sad.

Was waiting for the bus this morning, with Portishead's Roads on the headphone, with Beth singing: "How can it feel, this wrong, at this moment, how can it feel this wrong?"....the 2 old ladies, easily over 70 yrs old, were talking in front of me, one with the mouth almost always open, talking.....was thinking to myself: "....even if I take off my headphone now, I dont think they will be talking some good things, it will most probably about works and the unhappy things of living in a city....", then the other old man, standing a few steps away from them, who seems to me to be breathing through his mouth only, for his mouth was always opening and closing in a regular rhythm in sync with his chest expansion, then I realise that his breathing is twice as fast as my breathing......this is the man that I don't like to sit behind of in the bus, because he constantly have this phlegm in his throat and it is not pleasant at all to listen to some old man sitting in front swallowing his phlegm early in the morning, on his way to work.

......how can it feel, this wrong, at this moment........?

Fuck this, telling myself to convince myself that I still have my reasons to be here.....that the time will come when I will find myself being in where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do, with someone who shares the same sense of contentment of being at the same place as me.......then I wont wake up with the perpetual backache, then I will wake up with a bang, cant wait for the day to unfold itself, come what may, and I will sleep with a sense of belonging.......

Then I switched song, played Edwina Hayes' Feels Like Home for 2 times, then played Alanis Morisette's Hands In My Pocket, repeated 3 times.

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...

The day will come, ahtiow, they will come, it is not really that bad......cheer up, and get your ass to work!

ahtiow

Ahtiow minus Photograhy = ??

If photography is to be taken away from me, will I still be the same me as I am today ? Will my circle of friends be the same as it is now? Will some people still pose for me as they did if the photos that I take of them are not as what I have taken before?

ahtiow

Why I like to talk to my select few besties

Thanks Toots!!!

Grins!!
toots

Dreams

Dreams are what makes you push hard at things that you are doing. Dreams are what makes you swallow the blood in your mouth and fight on. Dreams are what makes you wake up in the morning with a smile and cant wait for the day to unfold. Dreams are what helps you sleep at night with a pat on the shoulder to tell yourself that you have done well in the span of one day. Dreams helps you shrug off the shit that comes in your life and smile at the people who brings you those shit. Dreams are what differentiates you from being a living human being or a breathing human being.



What happens when you are not sure what your dream is anymore?

me.

自私的心声

因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我将线交你手中却也不敢飞得太远
不管我随著风飞翔到云间我希望你能看得见
就算我偶尔会贪玩迷了路也知道你在等著我
我是一个贪玩又自由的风筝每天都会让你担忧
如果有一天迷失风中要如何回到你身边
因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我会在乌云来时轻轻滑落在你怀中

我是一个贪玩又自由的风筝每天都会让你担忧
如果有一天迷失风雨中要如何回到你身边
贪玩又自由的风筝每天都游戏在天空
如果有一天扯断了线你是否会回来寻找我
如果有一天迷失风中带我回到你的怀中
因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我在飞翔的时候却也不敢飞得太远

love,
LG

Coincidence?

Just right after last night's heavy discussion of what we both see of the future that we want and forgetting the past and stuff, got a fortune cookie from a colleague whom I am not so close with that has this message hidden in the cookie that reads : " Prepare yourself from now to encounter future changes in life."







Is this a coincidence or what?

ahtiow

Hello!! Hello!!!

Hello everyone!! Miss me?

If you do, here's a short paragraph from a book I'm reading. It's a good read! =)

" We have this photograph, all of us together," the Reb says. "Whenever I feel the spirit of death hovering, I look at that picture, the whole family smiling at the camera. And I say, 'Al, you done okay.
"'This is your immortality.'" - Have A Little Faith, Mitch Albom

ahtiow

errr.........ummm.............oh well........

so, christmas was here and passed. new year was here and we're a decade into the 2000, and so.....errr...........then........ahtiow got interrupted while blogging and he didnt know what to write anymore........

you can easily tell from their eyes and body movement when someone wanted to talk work with you when they know that you are not ready to start work.......=P

anyway, happy new year guys, for all of you who have made any resolutions, work hard on keeping the resolutions, (resolutions are always good ones rite? and its always good to keep working hard on something), for those who didnt, well, still gotta work hard for the better rite?

Cheers!
ahtiow