black christmas

black christmas
n.
25/12/2008 for ahtiow

Finally, came the day that we were dreading, 25/12/2008, the Black Christmas for me....the day when you will be going off to be with him till new year. It was this day that was the hardest thing that I dreaded. Thinking how can I stand to see you setting off to be with him for Christmas and New Year while me being here at work and go back home to be in the room that used to be our refuge everyday. The room that is full of memories of us talking bout our days, playing games, you singing (offkey and beautifully), our kisses, our lovemakings, your photos on the wall, our art piece that we made ourselves, your dozens of creams, your clothes, your books, , your smell on your clothes, your side of the bed....you....me............us. Yes, the day has come and passed, and it wasnt so hard afterall, instead of breaking down with sadness and hatred, I was overcome with a sense of calmness. It used to be the thoughts of you being with him, holding his hands that unsettled me, now it is the thought of you exploring things that you have always wanted to try that makes me smile. It used to be the thought of you giving me up for him that you have barely known for a week in Bangkok that pisses me off, now its the thought of me getting back my life that I gave up to stay with you that makes me look forward to the days ahead. It used to be "Us" that I always think of, it is now "You" and "Me" that I think of, 2 entities, separated, no longer together, no longer an item..........
Attachments are what makes us suffer and do things that we are not supposed to do, groping for what is sometimes beyond our grips, detachments are what makes us see things as it is and letting go of the burden that we carried on our shoulder without us being able to see it on our reflections on the mirror. It's not so bad afterall....thanks for the lesson. Bless you.....


What if there was no light
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
I can't ignore it if you won't even try
Oooh, that's right

When every step that you take
Can be your biggest mistake
And it could bend, or it could break
Well that's just the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
Oooh, that's right What If - Coldplay


.........What if you should decide that you don't want me there by your side, that you don't want me there in your life .......then you would have found your calling and we will both be moving on...........


Us in the past

choices

choice
n.
1. The act of choosing; selection
2. The best or most preferable part



...been wanting to write for days now. But wasn't able to quite get myself to write down my thoughts. They're so fragmented, in bits and pieces, but yet each bits has its own significance and every pieces has its roles to play. Just like us, living as a single person at a time, and still taking part in the dynamics of the community around us, be it our family, our circle of friends, colleagues, country, continent, world etc etc....the list goes on and on. Just how significant are we or rather, how significant can we be its all up to us and up to others to perceive.
......in our everyday's life, we do things, make choices, give, take, think, do....they're all just parts and parcels of everyday life. How often do we take time to reflect on all these? How often can we see clearly the results of a single choice that we made at certain times in our past that landed us in a specific position that we are now at the present? Just for example, where will I be if I have not chosen to write down studying Marine Science as one of my choice of study? Will I be such a water baby that I am now if not for my best friend, Kian Hoe who introduced me into swimming? Will I have met you, Nina, Lyn, Seok, who I know are one of the few people who reads this? Cause meeting with you guys are what I considered as the direct results of the above 2 examples. And I'm ever so grateful for that!

Was having these thoughts when I was back home at SWV, the 6 of us, with the DMs, boatmen, Yuka and the others, were all having such great fun at the resort. We laughed, we giggled, we shared, we hugged each other like we never hugged before, it was all so fun that I cant stop wondering just why did we have to give these all up? All 7 of us who got in together and left in the period of less than 3 years, aren't some of the things that we had on the island are what people have always wanted? Close friends, island paradise, meeting with new people everyday from all walks of life and all continents of the world, working with different people of different culture, seemingly care free lifestyle.....aren't all these things are just what I needed most at the situation that I am in now in SG? Well, I came to this conclusion...it all boils down to a single word: Choice

......we make choices, choices determines what we do and how things will turn out to be, and still choices are determined by so many factors that were present in our sea of thoughts when we make these choices. Sometimes, these notion of making choices scares the shit outta me, its like we are so vulnerable to making choices and yet we are constantly faced with the need to decide. Wrong decision ? Right decision? What determines wrong and right? Who can tell you what's wrong or right? Who are we to differentiate between wrong from right? Who are we? Who are they? Who are you? What am I babbling now? Do you still follow me? anyway.......for me, it's a norm of life to make decision, just like we gotta eat and we gotta crap. I just need to be aware of the reasons why I decide on what I do at a certain time, I just need to tell myself that it's just the thing that need to be done at the time, that it's the right thing to do at the moment and this will be the best justification for myself. It's the answer that I need to answer to me, myself and none others. I decided on coming to SG, the reasons are strong enough for me to give up all that I had in SWV and I have no regrets. Only memories. So, go on, live life, do what you gotta do, decide on the choices that are presented to you, be aware of what you do and know that whatever we do at the present will be memories in the future. And, yes, be nice to each other and yourself.

Love and hugs - ahtiow


Memories: The present preserved in time

home 2

home

n.
a. An environment offering security and happiness.
b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

I'm going home to Sipadan Water Village tomorrow, but my home coming journey will start today, 16th Dec 2008, at 2040 my plane will be landing in Kota Kinabalu, the city I adore most in Malaysia and meet with the girls!! Yes, girls, cos my best butties in KK now just so happen to be gals, Nina, Diane, Helena, Vienna, Yanyi, probably Kai Lee and Seok also. Just how much I miss you girls!!! Then the next morning will take the flight to Tawau, then 1 hour bus ride to Semporna, Kak Rita, hopefully you will be there to meet us! And yes, I wanna buy 'kuo chong'!! Then I will reach home, the 7 Muskeeteers unite!! Additions to the army will be Lynn's army of 30-Japanese-Single-Ladies-Working-in-KL divers, Yuka chan, Amy, Abdul, my photography sifu, Kai Lee, and yes, of course, the Dive Gang: Jimmy, Allan, Ron, Bobby, Alex "Papa" Ho, Richard, Nick, Andi Scubazoo, Big John, Ah Keat etc etc......We will be tearing down the place!!! Behold the power of the Muskeeteers!!!!! Muahahahahahahahha!!!!!!


From left to right: Helena "Kuds - Kuda", Vienna "Hippo", Charles "Ah Keat's Boyfren", Me "Ah Ben a.k.a. Si Buruk", Nina "Tulang", Diane "Kerbs - Kerbau", Jay "Jay San"..........we're all going home.......

dream vs reality

dream
n.
1. a state of mind characterized by abstraction and release from reality
2. a fantastic but vain hope "

reality
n.
1. The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence.
2. The state of things as they are or appear to be, rather than as one might wish them to be


"A question.
So what are people supposed to do if they want to avoid a collision (thud!) but still lie in the field, enjoying the clouds drifting by, listening to the grass grow - not thinking, on other words? Sounds hard? Not at all. Logically, it's easy. C'est simple. The answer is dreams. Dreaming on and on. Entering the world of dreams, and never coming out. Living in dreams for the rest of time.
In dreams you don't need to make any distinctions between things. Not at all. Boundaries don't exist. So in dreams there are hardly ever collisions. Even if there are, they don't hurt. Reality is different. Reality bites.
Reality, reality. "

Excerpt from Sputnik Sweetheart - Haruki Murakami


.....been struggling and drifting in and out of dreams and reality. Tried to make things seems like it was before things happened, talked about our days on the dinner table, making jokes to make her laugh while avoiding any topics that may lead to the wounds, watched TV like normal and discussed about thoughts that came to us from the show that we were watching, I did all these and they were fine at times. But all these only served as a veil that covered the mess that were present between us,you could look at other things, not looking at the veil or you could look at the veil and see only the veil, not seeing the troubles beneath the thin veil...... but in the end of the day it all makes me all the more miserable and spent. You could live in a dream, be happy living in the dreamland, ignore the reality while you are in the dreamland. Make a shelter for yourself convincing yourself that everything is fine and they will be just as fine tomorrow and be sad and miserable cause inevitably, you will still have to face the reality, especially during the hour when you are supposed to be sleeping, with no one talking in the room, your eyes closed, she on her side of the bed, you on your side of the bed, backs to each other's, and thinking of the happy moments that you had during the day, the laughter you shared over dinner, and then as always, you will inevitably realise that all these are just illusions and the heartache is ever so painful and you are faced again with the choice of either choosing to rethink about the situation you are in now or continue to immerse yourself in the dream.......
......OR, You could choose to face reality and stop dreaming. Face the harsh truth of the reality and ignore the beauty and bliss of staying in dreamland, bite your way through the hardway and come out tall and strong...leave the Dreamer behind, chase the Time ahead of you, run alongside Reality and face the Pain. I chose the latter.

....she once told me this: "He is my escape, and you are my sanctuary", Interpretation #1: She just wanted some space to breathe on her own, to explore on her own....she might realise afterall that I am still here for her....that she really belongs to be with me in the end....that she's the most comfortable to be with me..... just how very convenient for me to think that way, its a dreaming way of thinking, a deceit, a hide from reality. I used to believe that and stood by her....

Interpretation #2: Yes, I was the sanctuary, a shelter for her to get all the love she need, to be taken care of the way she wanted it, a lover to shower her with all the love and attention she needed to be happy....till now, till now that she met him, someone who she likes and who like her as well, she have found her escape now, an escape that she always yearned for deep inside but hasn't come across till now. She used to love me much, I know that. I know just how devoted she can be when she's in love, that is why I can see the same devotion from here, just that it has been shifted to him, not me anymore. I have experienced her love first hand, I can recognise her love that is for him now. Its the only justification for her giving me up now for all that we were. Afterall, we have worked our ways through 9 years to be at where we were, to be able to know each other more than we know ourselves, to be able to know what we were both thinking with just an eye contact, to be able to finish each other's sentences, to be able to adapt our lifestyle to each other's and be comfortable with it.....we have lost all these and each other....It's over,I have said my goodbye, have you said yours? You should already, its over anyway, the sanctuary has been torn down. The sanctuary has served its purpose and ran it's course, the sanctuary shall remain just as memories now....

"And standin' here watchin' you drive away
We were so grown up about it all
But how will it look in the light of day?
I miss you already but don't turn around
It's funny how you know when it just won't work
And how letting go can echo the sweetest sound

Beautiful goodbye,baby goodbye
I enjoyed the ride,we really had us a time
It's a strange kind of high
A beautiful goodbye

So ironic,and so confusing
To do the right thing and be losing
I'm always stuck with choosing
And ain't that just like life?" - Beautiful Goodbye - Jennifer Hanson

Just how so very true.......


It was good while it lasted, it's time to bite the bitter pill now.
ahtiow

theme song

theme song
n.
a melody that recurs and comes to represent a musical play or movie

This is the song that recurs in my everyday life now, be it when I'm working on my laptop or on my mp3 on the train or a hum in my head when I'm working or just slacking around. And yes, its the same song that you hear on the background when you are reading this.

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Yes, I'm picking up the pieces and moving on. Love to all....

the rain is over......

bad dream

bad dream
n.

1. A dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.
2. An event or experience that is intensely distressing.

...it is a dream in where I was supposed to be on a vacation to my favorite place with 'the substitute'. the favorite place was kinda like a second home to me, with 'the gang' still there. 'the gang' is the group of people who shared the same passsion with me, who gone through two exciting and fulfilling phases of life together with me....upon reaching there, I excitedly got off the boat with 'the sub', happily greeted 'the gang' there, but things start to get weird when 'the gang' just greeted back half-enthusiastically and carried on with whatever that they were doing. things start to feel not right when you walk around greeting other people and get the same indifferent stare from them. and things start to look clear to you that you dont belong there when 'the sub' joined 'the gang' and they clicked right away and I got deserted....walked around the place trying to take some pictures of a festival going on there, but everything just seems to not feel right....walked around aimlessly.......then came to realisation that I may not get 'the sub' and me out in time as there will be no more boats going out. tried hard and managed to find a boat out but it makes no difference whatsoever to 'the sub' as she is now belonging to 'the gang'......it was as if they have always been together, just me who does not fit in.......the dream continued with me having made it out to mainland alone but just continued to walk around aimlessly thinking just how pathetic I am and just how alone I am....... woke up with a jerk and stayed on the bed for a few minutes to gather back my thoughts.......it was such a bad dream, made worse with the fact that this dream was made during my afternoon nap on a day off...........was it a sign?...was it a result of the stress? ......was it created from all my endless thinking?......i dont know, I just know it was such a bad dream....

heartache

heart·ache (härtk)
n.
Emotional anguish; sorrow.

....its the state of mind of someone who has lost something dear to him.....its the painful throbbing of the heart where it constantly reminds you that you are supposed to be sad, and you are inevitably reminded of why exactly you are supposed to be sad and end up being pulled into the abyss for the countless times...yet the pain doesnt eases with each visit to the abyss. it sucks big time.......yes, you know you have to go through with it, things will get better, there's no other way around it....but still one can be tough and be strong at times, and weak and helpless at times as well, and when its the time when I feel this way, it makes me hate it that I still have to work, still need to face people and talk to them, makes me hate to think how would those that matters will think and tell you when they know of what happens.....heartache is when you pressed the 'send' button on your phone to send a text message to her asking her to move out as soon as she could because you cant take the pain anymore and so that you can move on after you have tried so hard for so long to cling to it and tried to mend things but failed miserably.... heartache is a realisation, after you imagined that things will get better and it can, that things can be back to before the worst happened and both of you can still be together happy, its a realisation that its not gonna happen this way, that you cant turn back the hands of time and you cant redirect a changed heart back to you.....its a realisation that its time to let go.......knowing that letting it go means it will takes away all that you have been working for all these while, letting go means you have lost the reason to be home immediately after work, letting go means you are no longer needed so badly when you are away to make a person happy, letting go means the weekend is not so much to look forward to anymore, letting go means you have lost the heart melting look that you get when she smiles at you on the sight of you entering the room when you get back home......i've lost all these now....and more...
......