passion is your strength to believe

Read Dan's super long entry on her Aust whale-shark sighting trip. Was touched by her super enthusiastic passion for the big blue and her determination to pursue her passion. She is one of the odd ones out, according to the general standard of most people that will probably gives you the stares or ask you the questions when they know of what people like her wanted to do for her future.

It felt all so familiar to read the stuff that she wrote. I was one of the odd ones out. My simple love of the ocean drove me to choose Marine Science as my field of study. There were a few around me that was supportive of the idea back then (its less than the number of fingers on my single hand), but mostly I got the cold water. Could still remember my brother's words to me when I told him of my decision, the incredulity of his tones made me squirmed and swallowed my saliva. I just wanted his acknowledging that I was making a big step out of the comfort zone to pursue something that I like and support me. It's not that I need his acknowlegement to do what I wanted, its just that a simple acknowledgement would have meant so much for me. Writing this down now still could make my heart aches.

Just why so? I wonder. Could it be that I am at times so confused of who I am? where I am? what am I doing? and what for? that a simple acknowledgement will put things into perspective? Do we have to have other people around us to tell us things about ourselves so that we could be sure on ourselves and know what we wants? Aren't we the best judge for ourselves?

Looking back, the uni years were the best years for me so far. For that, I am very grateful for myself for having been there and done that. Of course, there were hard times as well, but I tend to look back on the fun parts cos there are more fun parts than the shitty parts. So, yeah, uni years rocks! =)

And now, turning around, looking at myself now. The things that I do at work now, the people that I work for/with..................dots........well, guess I will try filling in the dots with the following excerpts from conversation that I had for the last few days:

#1:
Lynn: Ei, your director really still eats shark fins ar?
ahtiow: Yes, unfortunately. In fact, I think there's less than 5 ppl in the whole of curatorial team who doesnt.
Lynn: Isn't it a prerequisite to not eat shark fins to work as divers?
ahtiow: well.....theoretically and ideally, yes.

#2:
Curator: How was the interview the other day?
ahtiow: It was as I told you, I was nervous. But it turned out to be ok.
Curator: Speaking of which.....can you try not to voice out your personal views that might contradict with the company's stand...?
ahtiow: I thought one of the company's vision is to educate the public and raise awareness?
Curator: Yes, but.............
..................
Curator: By the way, are you a PR yet?
ahtiow: Applying now, see this form here? Just got the company's stamp.
Curator: Is this your own decision or the company asked you to get your PR?
ahtiow: No, my mom forced me to.

#3:
ahtiow: I cant imagine me have to stand here all day watching all these people harrasing the animals in the touchpool leh....
Lingesh: Well, you just dont say anything and stand here....
Seow Li: See no evil!
ahtiow: I rather I try to control myself to speak no evil!

#4:
Seow Li: I pity the seals have to be brought out here 3 times a day to do the same tricks......
ahtiow: (I just turned and walked off, cant answer her.)

But all whinings aside, the things that makes all this worthwhile are the people that I meet along the way! You people are my pillar of strenghts and my drive to relive and still believe in my passion. You guys know who you are, and in case, you guys need remindings, here goes: (List not in order of appearance or importance)
Lynn, Dr. Ann, Moong, Kit, Nina, Kian Hoe, Dan, Seow Li, Yanyi, Kai Lee, YY, Shukor, Andy, Adam, Seok, Sam, Carlos, David, Ming Lun, Ming Li, Ken, Alvina, Linda, Mark, Stal, Mal, Diane, Helena, Vienna, Eva, Kareem, Jayce, Luo Er, Pei Ling, Alex, Leonard, Jim, Allan, Lex, Yien, Black Rose, ........and I think that's enough for now. Thanks for being there for me when I needed you guys, and hope that my friendship could bring some comfort to you guys as well.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Drive - Incubus


Passion is your strength to believe
ahtiow



"Big Ideas Starts Small / Think Globally, Act Locally"

p/s: I cant decide yet which title to use for this shot. Think Globally, Act Locally came to mind when I first done the editting for this shot. The other title came to mind after a few moments of stare and now I cant decide yet.

slacking

slack

n.
1. Moving slowly; sluggish: a slack pace.
2. Lacking in activity; not busy: a slack season for the travel business.

chiefly British:
2. A bog; a morass. ( ????? MORASS???!! BOG??!!! sounds so wrong and vulgar! and looked it up. It means this actually:

morass
n.
1. An area of low-lying, soggy ground.
2. Something that hinders, engulfs, or overwhelms phewww!!! =P

hello all! today's post will start off with mp3. Guess this post will apply more to those of us who stay in SG who commute mostly on trains and buses. How often do you change/update your playlist? I need to change all the songs in my mp3 every once in like, say, 2 weeks. 2 reasons: I get bored rather fast after listening to the same order of songs for like 3 times and above, second reason being, ahtiow is still using his mp3 player from 3 years ago that uses an SD card as memory (I have a 512MB card on, and the player is so old it cant read any cards from 1GB and above, I know I know, I should've gotten a pod, just wait til I get my mac first =) Anyway, back to the line after a detour; the playlist I have now has been almost 2 weeks since my sundown marathon run. All of them are alternative rock, punk, grunge, brits and poprock, with some heavy metal and trashcore for the occasional pump of diesel energy. Been listening to the songs for quite frequently lately, reason being was kinda sleepy on the trains most of the time to read and mornings and evenings have been kinda tiring for me for recent weeks. could be the weather. .....up to this point, I realised that I have been ranting on a rather slack topic for the post and I saved the paragraph in draft, thinking why am I writing crap?

Then I came to this conclusion while I was crapping in the toilet just now, (no pun intended,really, sometimes you just drifts off in thinking while crapping, maybe its a way to take ourselves away from the pain and the smell I guess...heck!! sometimes I even bring my phone in to play solitaire. Solitaire!!! of all games!! ) that I have been slacking during my day off and wanted to do something that tells me otherwise. Then realised why should I? It's my day off, it's alright to be slacking! And yeah, here I am, telling you people reading this and myself that I have spent my day off afternoon slacking.

Cheerios guys!
ahtiow

and the wheel goes round and round, bringing you up and pushing you down.....

The news of the interview travelled fast indeed. found out this morning that the General Manager knew that I said something that I shouldn't have said yesterday. That was still fine, knowing how the people here work. Then bumped into our director, he asked me this:

Director: "Lee Tiow Aun, you dont eat shark fins ar?"
ahtiow: "No, since many years ago. You still eat them?"
Director: "Yes."
ahtiow: "You should stop."

This was when I turned around to walk off, he did the same. He took a step and turned back,
Director:" But I have a different opinion then you"
ahtiow: "Yeah..?"
Director: "I agree with your view that sharks are not as scary as we think. But if we dont eat shark fins, the shark population will grow, and the smaller fishes will be getting lesser."
ahtiow: "That's one of the biggest misconception that everyone have. That's why people dont care so much for the sharks!The shark population has been getting less and less and more and more people can start to afford to eat shark fins "
....We kept this on for a while at which point I cant recall what exactly what we said cause I was kinda pissed and cant believe that those words actually come from him (I think he did said something about people are turning to rays for fins and people should start to farm sharks for fins and how we should be careful not to say something in public that will piss off the restaurant operators)...... What I do recall is this sentence that I said that kinda shut him up: "The sharks has survived for 400 million years, with 3 major extinctions, the dinosaurs and other animals have been wiped out, yet the sharks survived, there must be a reason for the sharks to be here!" ...after which he was mumbling a bit or he did said something which I didnt hear clearly.....and the conversation kinda end with these:
Director: "Yeah, but I still think the theory doesnt hold"
ahtiow: "You can believe your own theory and I have my stand for this matter..... "...after which with a forced small smile I turned and walked away, head spinning, pulse racing and pissed, and above all, utter disbelief.

Well, this kinda sums up the place that I am working at and under whose direction and supervision I am working for now.

Now, for the little bit of good things that happened today, which saved my day, BIG TIME...!! Was conducting a dive with the sharks programme for a non-certified diver, an Indian national. Statistics and previous experiences have told us that Indian nationals are the worst participants a dive guide could ever have. My this participant, I found out later when we hit the water, almost drowned himself in a couple of occasions in his younger days. He is doing this to overcome his fear of drowning. He kept coming out of the water even though everything was fine. Did all I could to distract him from being too conscious of being in the water lest the fear creeps back in, I managed to get him through the dive with minor hiccups here and there. The look of satisfaction and gratitude on his face when he took off his mask after we surfaced was simply priceless.....he thanked me profusely and I kept saying, No problem, welcome, just doing my job, you've done great! , bla bla bla....but deep inside, I am thanking him in return for turning my day around from the crap that happened in the morning.

Tired, a bit sleepy and most of all satisfied to the max after a good dinner,
ahtiow

ahtiow is bitchin'!!

was interviewed today by one of the internet tv at my workplace today (and if you guys are trying to figure out which programme it was, sorry, i wont tell until i see the actual footage, sorry guys, wanna preserve whatever teeny tiny bit of dignity i still have after today's and sigh....tomorrow's ordeals....) . Think I sucked big time for the interview. I've always known I cant do crap in front of a camera, somemore what with a microphone pointed to me with a videolight. Sigh....if only I could convince my boss that I am not the perfect candidate for the piece.

Anyway, the interview was about how the current recession affects a niche job market as mine i.e. Marine Biologist. It started off quite easily, they sent me 8 easy questions beforehand which were

(1) Why did you choose this job?
I chose this job for the love of marine life. I hope to raise public awareness of the importance and roles of the marine environment and marine life.

(2) What do you like about the job?
I like the fast-paced and exciting environment of our job. I enjoy working with the animals, the team and the general public.

(3) What did you have to study to get here? Was it tough?
I have a degree in Marine Science, from the University of Malaysia, Sabah. It was not tough because I loved what I studied. It was fun actually!

(4) Where can one get a degree in Marine Biology in Singapore?
There is no specific Marine Biology degree in Singapore as yet. There are related modules that can be taken at NUS - eg. Coral Reef Ecology, Life Form & Marine Biology module.

(5) In recession times, how is a niche job like this affected?
We are not affected. Recession or not, the animals will still need to be taken care of.

(6) What other unusual roles are there at Underwater World?
We need to conduct water parameter tests, treatments procedures, dive programmes, and conceptualise new exhibits and ideas, etc.

(7) What are your favourite moments at UWS (in your work)?
My favourite moments are:
- the birth of our baby sharks-leopard sharks with white tips/black tips,
- when we managed to educate the dive programme participants that sharks are not as scary as it was portrayed in some movies.

(8) What are the challenges at work?
The challenges are:
- to keep the water quality in the tanks at their optimum quality for animal health,
- to recognise problems/disease before an actual outbreak and to do something to prevent it,
- to raise public awareness of the importance of marine life.

but the reporters were so freaking efficient that she came up with new questions in response to my answers to the previous questions and I end up talking too much. So much so that I knew when I finished my sentence that those will get deleted by the upper people. I knew I was there to speak on behalf of 'an ideal' Marine Biologist in 'an ideal' working environment. Not to speak my mind and my overly personal grudge against shark finning. I know I know......yada yada......

And tomorrow will be another play to put up for something else, and inevitably, they need 5 persons for the show tomorrow, and once again I am in the list simply because my roster allows me to be available at that particular time when they need 'the extras' for the show........

Vi told me this in reply of my text to her bitching about my day "It's just another job lo...." I know.....It's just another of the workload.....and I also know that sometimes it is better to scream it all out rather than keep it inside....so here I am, bitching like a sissy over trivial stuff. Big deal. Fuck me.

ahtiow

untitled

Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture

And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try

I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

Born to try - Delta Goodrem

reminisced, emo-ed....

was looking at some photos of us together on my phone. we were so lovely together. so much in love with each other. the way you put your arms around me, the silly poses and expressions you put when you were with me, the closeness of us 2 lovebirds being together on a world of our own, yeah, those were good times and we both moved on from that. the 2 voice recordings you recorded on my phone were so full of fun and love. time is an amazing thing. changes are inevitable. We have both decided to move on and its our responsibility to ourselves now to make things better. Make it the next best thing to happen to both of us after the 'us' in the past.

reminisced, emo-ed, written down the emotions, and now lighter....
ahtiow

Be beautiful.

was at a malay bridal fashion show last nite. was there from 4pm till 10pm. saw the preparations, the making ups, the table arrangements, the talks by the big shot, the waitings of the models to get their faces drawn, and all the usual hullaballoos of an event such as this. got a lil bored, sat there looking, observing. was wondering what time did the make up artist and the models started to get ready for the night's event? 2pm? 12 noon? or earlier than that? all for the 10 mins of catwalk down a makeshift red carpet with 12 other models. Will all the eyes be on you? or its your own eyes thats on you all the time? being self-concious cos you are supposed to be so?

the thing that struck me to think of all these was: those models are not professional models. neither do I think the make up artist is (who is a friend of my friend who brought me in to document his works). I wouldnt have think this much if these people are pros, being paid to do all these stuff. Those so called models last night were just there for being beautiful and glamorous for the 10 mins and get some nice pictures to show their friends and family and for keepsake. is this really what they need? to be beautiful for a brief period of time? Do we have to dress up 2 hrs earlier for a dinner at a fancy restaurant, being self-concious all the time cos we think we are to be observed by people around our table and those that we walked past? won't they be too busy doing these same things that you are doing to pay enough attention to you? another wonders of things that us humans do.


They'll be making sure you stay amused
They'll fill you up with drugs and booze
Maybe you'll make the evening news

And when you're tripping
over your dreams
They'll keep you down by any means
and by the end of the night
you'll be stifling your screams

Since you became a VIPerson
It's like your problems have all worsened
Your paranoia casts aspersions
On the truths you know

And they'll just put you in the spotlight
And hope that you'll do alright
Or maybe not

Now why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?
Why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?
So why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?
Now why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?

"Starz in Their Eyes" - Just Jack

Cheers
ahtiow