you cried my heart out.

....it was the most heart wrenching cry that I ever heard, and I could not bear to see that sweet little face of yours when you are crying like this, and all the time that you were crying, your hand never left my body and my hands, try as I may to be strong for you, I could not hold my own tears anymore, and we both cried, one silently, the other one out loud.

I never cried like this before, not in the train, not in front of the house, not as sad, not as this. yet, no matter how hard it is for me, one could never fathom how much harder it is for you.

You keep reminding me to take care of myself, to tidy the room, not to cut that deep when I cut my nails, to voice out my frustration if anyone at work is being an ass, and all the small tiny details of my everyday life. You kept asking what will I do when I need someone to talk to, who can I look for to accompany me to JB for my haircut, who will rub my back for me when I couldn't sleep, what can I do when I misses you and a thousand and one what ifs.....all these, while you are crying you heart out. And you cried my heart out too.

I love you like I never loved before and there is much more of your love for me than my love for you.



老婆， 我地要坚强啊！！！！

I cried in a hotel room, watching a music video.

I surprises myself sometime. I actually cried in a hotel room, listening to Alanis's Hand In My Pocket acoustic version video on the 14 inch TV in the room.

It just kind of resonates with the situation that I am in now, being unhappy at this place, working an underpaid job, waiting for the time for me to actually leave and start working for our own.

Yet, the chorus always reminds me of the very old chinese saying "The ship will straightens itself upon reaching the bridge".

And now, I should make the decision when to leave here and start tying all the loose ends.

Love,
ahtiow

我和以前不一样了。。。。。

Saw this on my favorite nephew's FB profile. It is just too sad


.


Behind all those smirks and smiles, we can only guess how broken he is inside.

He may probably not able to walk and run like a perfectly normal person, but hope that's just that. That everything else will and can still 回到以前一样。

Love,
ahku

J.O.Y.

joy
–noun
1.the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation:
2.a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated
3.the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4.a state of happiness or felicity.


You are simply the definition of joy.





Examplified.


Love,
me

From me to you.

I just keep on telling you the things that you didnt wanna hear, you told me before that you dont want to hear them, but I still keep repeating them, as if with each repetitions, you will be able to grasp a little bit more of what I am feeling deep inside of me. But instead of keep telling those things that you hate to hear, I should really keep reminding myself that if hurts you so much everytime I say those things. Maybe I should grasp more of how hurtful the stabbing that I caused in your chest every time I do those things rather than hoping you could grasp the worst fear that I have inside of me.

I have all your supports and faith, it should be enough for me. I know that, and I thank you for that.

But, I don't have anything for you. And I hate myself for that.


Everytime that you cry, you melts everything within me. You made everything stop and the world listens to you and you only. Your mumbles, even when most of them are undecipherable, they only say one thing out loud: "我需要我老公！！！！！！“

I know I don't say them often enough, but it's true, I need you as much as you need me.

Everytime I am lost, you guide me back to our paths.

Everytime I float, you bring me back to the ground.

Everytime I stoop, you hold my head up and straightens my shoulder.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I will say it once only, "Sometimes you make me feel like I don't deserve you......"

There, I said it, and I am slapping myself for writing it down. The only reason that I wrote that down is to remind me that instead of thinking of the things that my man-ego demands me to think, I should constantly tell myself that I should make things works out the best for us both.

And I shall make you happy. As happy as you were when we first met.

Then, and only then, we will be back to our honeymoon period.

I love you,

Lougong.

a day in my life.....I feel sad.

Was waiting for the bus this morning, with Portishead's Roads on the headphone, with Beth singing: "How can it feel, this wrong, at this moment, how can it feel this wrong?"....the 2 old ladies, easily over 70 yrs old, were talking in front of me, one with the mouth almost always open, talking.....was thinking to myself: "....even if I take off my headphone now, I dont think they will be talking some good things, it will most probably about works and the unhappy things of living in a city....", then the other old man, standing a few steps away from them, who seems to me to be breathing through his mouth only, for his mouth was always opening and closing in a regular rhythm in sync with his chest expansion, then I realise that his breathing is twice as fast as my breathing......this is the man that I don't like to sit behind of in the bus, because he constantly have this phlegm in his throat and it is not pleasant at all to listen to some old man sitting in front swallowing his phlegm early in the morning, on his way to work.

......how can it feel, this wrong, at this moment........?

Fuck this, telling myself to convince myself that I still have my reasons to be here.....that the time will come when I will find myself being in where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do, with someone who shares the same sense of contentment of being at the same place as me.......then I wont wake up with the perpetual backache, then I will wake up with a bang, cant wait for the day to unfold itself, come what may, and I will sleep with a sense of belonging.......

Then I switched song, played Edwina Hayes' Feels Like Home for 2 times, then played Alanis Morisette's Hands In My Pocket, repeated 3 times.

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...

The day will come, ahtiow, they will come, it is not really that bad......cheer up, and get your ass to work!

ahtiow

Ahtiow minus Photograhy = ??

If photography is to be taken away from me, will I still be the same me as I am today ? Will my circle of friends be the same as it is now? Will some people still pose for me as they did if the photos that I take of them are not as what I have taken before?

ahtiow