sleep

sleep

n.

1. A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli. During sleep the brain in humans and other mammals undergoes a characteristic cycle of brain-wave activity that includes intervals of dreaming

....."state of rest for the mind and body"....how nice and just how much I need it...I love sleeping, its one of the most basic and essential luxury of life. No matter how hard one's day is, granted he can get a good night's sleep, then its a reward for him to have gone through the day and its a way to prepare him for the day to come. It's a necessity, we need it, it's also a luxury, a simple one that in my opinion, everyone deserves. Just how I wish I could really put my mind and my body at ease before I sleep. Its almost always that my body is so tensed that my arms or muscles gets tired after some time if sleep does not come quickly. My mind is almost constantly running, as if on a treadmill, churning out a thousand and one thoughts, just like tonight, there's so many thoughts running through my head that I dragged myself up to write this down in hope that it could take a few thoughts off so that I can fall asleep easier and get a better sleep, but I know, I just know that I will take even longer to sleep after I write this down....sigh~~, I miss sleeping......


night.walk

busted

busted
adj.

1. out of working order

I think I kind of busted my knee from my runs. Cant even manage short distance runs now. Damn!!! Guess I gotta stop running for sometime now.

Cheers
ahtiow

contradictions

contradiction
n.

1. Inconsistency; discrepancy.

yes, I could sometimes be such a contradiction to myself, the anti-thesis to my belief, anti-climax to what little climax that I should have had, anti-depressent that doesnt work, the caffeine that tires me out, answering my questions with questions, going against it when I should've agreed to it, nodding when I should be doubting, doing things that I should not be doing, not dealing with matters that I ought to be dealing with, pulling instead of pushing, pushing when I should be embracing, turning when I should be facing, facing when I would be better off not seeing, looking but not seeing, seeing but not believing, holding when I should be releasing, releasing at the wrong places wrong time, I am who I am not am, not am who I am...yes, sometimes I'm like that, but not all the time, aren't you? Aren't we all sometimes such contradictions to ourselves? Oh well, all these just confirms that I am still human =)

And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it's hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind - Smells like teen spirit - Nirvana


same same but different

war

war
n.

a. A state of open, armed, often prolonged conflict carried on between nations, states, or parties
b. A condition of active antagonism or contention

.....realised that I stopped reading the news for sometime now. They are all so ugly,....yes, ugly, as ugly as human can be. Wars being waged and fought everywhere. new war, old war, still the same, still as ugly. Politicians are the scums of all the ugliness of the world now. Always hated politicians, just by thinking how can we be under the rules of these scumbags makes me sick and it made me feeling even worse when thinking that my future kids will still be under the games of these fuck-heads. It's these people on the top who are the catalyst for all the fightings, they're the ones who dictates their subordinates to come up with the system to brainwash their people, and as the washing agents goes down lower to the society, it accumulates dirt along the way and when it finally completed its journey down, its downright ugly and dirty. And it is with these false beliefs and blind dedication fueled by hatred that makes wars such a catastrophe.........
.........even at my home now wars are being waged. My mom against my brother backed by his wife's family. Was greeted first thing by the news of another war has been waged when I got home from dinner with a friend. Was sitting on the couch listening to their sides of the story, what has been said against 'our' side from 'their'side,.....this........that.......blah...........blah......blah.........
....blah .....blah .....all-fucking-blahs......more blahs.....Being surrounded by all these, I came to think of how can our family be like this? We used to be so close, all 6 brothers and sisters and my parents living in the same wooden house that we rented for RM 50/mth for as long as I could remember, it was not luxurious, we only had a black and white tv, we had to stand outside our neighbours' house to watch videos, no bikes to ride around with our friends,... But my dad always bought breakfast for us when we wake up, lunch were always ready by the time we came back from school, dinner were still steaming hot when I came back from my playing, we always get to buy those books and uniforms that we need for every new school terms,..... we were poor, but it was luxurious, made luxurious by the simple contentment and closeness of the family. As we grow we became further apart....so far from each other that my brother used to ask when me when I will 'come back to Malaysia' when I was in Sabah, so sad that my mom didnt call my brother to tell him that she was going for an operation to remove her cataract, so heart-breaking when we came to find out that it was the messages that my 2nd sister sent to her friends asking them to take care of themselves that saved her from her suicide attempt and none of us received any message from her......just what can I or anyone in the family do to bring back my mom and my brother and the family to the way they were? My mom adored him and he was always the favorite boy, he used to shower my mom with gifts when he first started working. Had this thought while listening to their 'report of the current state of affair': Could all these riffs that has been going on between them caused, in some twisted and ironic way, by love? Mom being pissed off with him for not sending monthly allowance, him for getting furious cause mom said something that suggested him being over his head with his new big house. Could it be all that they both are seeking are just approvals from each other? He needs approval from my mom that he can do it, own a luxurious house, provide well for his family and thus confirming that my parents has done a great job bringing him up. She needs the simple gesture of him calling her sometimes and providing for her as a gesture of love and gratitude of her love and devotion for him all these years....could this be the cause? Could love causes war? Should love causes wars?


untitled

black christmas

black christmas
n.
25/12/2008 for ahtiow

Finally, came the day that we were dreading, 25/12/2008, the Black Christmas for me....the day when you will be going off to be with him till new year. It was this day that was the hardest thing that I dreaded. Thinking how can I stand to see you setting off to be with him for Christmas and New Year while me being here at work and go back home to be in the room that used to be our refuge everyday. The room that is full of memories of us talking bout our days, playing games, you singing (offkey and beautifully), our kisses, our lovemakings, your photos on the wall, our art piece that we made ourselves, your dozens of creams, your clothes, your books, , your smell on your clothes, your side of the bed....you....me............us. Yes, the day has come and passed, and it wasnt so hard afterall, instead of breaking down with sadness and hatred, I was overcome with a sense of calmness. It used to be the thoughts of you being with him, holding his hands that unsettled me, now it is the thought of you exploring things that you have always wanted to try that makes me smile. It used to be the thought of you giving me up for him that you have barely known for a week in Bangkok that pisses me off, now its the thought of me getting back my life that I gave up to stay with you that makes me look forward to the days ahead. It used to be "Us" that I always think of, it is now "You" and "Me" that I think of, 2 entities, separated, no longer together, no longer an item..........
Attachments are what makes us suffer and do things that we are not supposed to do, groping for what is sometimes beyond our grips, detachments are what makes us see things as it is and letting go of the burden that we carried on our shoulder without us being able to see it on our reflections on the mirror. It's not so bad afterall....thanks for the lesson. Bless you.....


What if there was no light
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
I can't ignore it if you won't even try
Oooh, that's right

When every step that you take
Can be your biggest mistake
And it could bend, or it could break
Well that's just the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
Oooh, that's right What If - Coldplay


.........What if you should decide that you don't want me there by your side, that you don't want me there in your life .......then you would have found your calling and we will both be moving on...........


Us in the past

choices

choice
n.
1. The act of choosing; selection
2. The best or most preferable part



...been wanting to write for days now. But wasn't able to quite get myself to write down my thoughts. They're so fragmented, in bits and pieces, but yet each bits has its own significance and every pieces has its roles to play. Just like us, living as a single person at a time, and still taking part in the dynamics of the community around us, be it our family, our circle of friends, colleagues, country, continent, world etc etc....the list goes on and on. Just how significant are we or rather, how significant can we be its all up to us and up to others to perceive.
......in our everyday's life, we do things, make choices, give, take, think, do....they're all just parts and parcels of everyday life. How often do we take time to reflect on all these? How often can we see clearly the results of a single choice that we made at certain times in our past that landed us in a specific position that we are now at the present? Just for example, where will I be if I have not chosen to write down studying Marine Science as one of my choice of study? Will I be such a water baby that I am now if not for my best friend, Kian Hoe who introduced me into swimming? Will I have met you, Nina, Lyn, Seok, who I know are one of the few people who reads this? Cause meeting with you guys are what I considered as the direct results of the above 2 examples. And I'm ever so grateful for that!

Was having these thoughts when I was back home at SWV, the 6 of us, with the DMs, boatmen, Yuka and the others, were all having such great fun at the resort. We laughed, we giggled, we shared, we hugged each other like we never hugged before, it was all so fun that I cant stop wondering just why did we have to give these all up? All 7 of us who got in together and left in the period of less than 3 years, aren't some of the things that we had on the island are what people have always wanted? Close friends, island paradise, meeting with new people everyday from all walks of life and all continents of the world, working with different people of different culture, seemingly care free lifestyle.....aren't all these things are just what I needed most at the situation that I am in now in SG? Well, I came to this conclusion...it all boils down to a single word: Choice

......we make choices, choices determines what we do and how things will turn out to be, and still choices are determined by so many factors that were present in our sea of thoughts when we make these choices. Sometimes, these notion of making choices scares the shit outta me, its like we are so vulnerable to making choices and yet we are constantly faced with the need to decide. Wrong decision ? Right decision? What determines wrong and right? Who can tell you what's wrong or right? Who are we to differentiate between wrong from right? Who are we? Who are they? Who are you? What am I babbling now? Do you still follow me? anyway.......for me, it's a norm of life to make decision, just like we gotta eat and we gotta crap. I just need to be aware of the reasons why I decide on what I do at a certain time, I just need to tell myself that it's just the thing that need to be done at the time, that it's the right thing to do at the moment and this will be the best justification for myself. It's the answer that I need to answer to me, myself and none others. I decided on coming to SG, the reasons are strong enough for me to give up all that I had in SWV and I have no regrets. Only memories. So, go on, live life, do what you gotta do, decide on the choices that are presented to you, be aware of what you do and know that whatever we do at the present will be memories in the future. And, yes, be nice to each other and yourself.

Love and hugs - ahtiow


Memories: The present preserved in time

home 2

home

n.
a. An environment offering security and happiness.
b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

I'm going home to Sipadan Water Village tomorrow, but my home coming journey will start today, 16th Dec 2008, at 2040 my plane will be landing in Kota Kinabalu, the city I adore most in Malaysia and meet with the girls!! Yes, girls, cos my best butties in KK now just so happen to be gals, Nina, Diane, Helena, Vienna, Yanyi, probably Kai Lee and Seok also. Just how much I miss you girls!!! Then the next morning will take the flight to Tawau, then 1 hour bus ride to Semporna, Kak Rita, hopefully you will be there to meet us! And yes, I wanna buy 'kuo chong'!! Then I will reach home, the 7 Muskeeteers unite!! Additions to the army will be Lynn's army of 30-Japanese-Single-Ladies-Working-in-KL divers, Yuka chan, Amy, Abdul, my photography sifu, Kai Lee, and yes, of course, the Dive Gang: Jimmy, Allan, Ron, Bobby, Alex "Papa" Ho, Richard, Nick, Andi Scubazoo, Big John, Ah Keat etc etc......We will be tearing down the place!!! Behold the power of the Muskeeteers!!!!! Muahahahahahahahha!!!!!!


From left to right: Helena "Kuds - Kuda", Vienna "Hippo", Charles "Ah Keat's Boyfren", Me "Ah Ben a.k.a. Si Buruk", Nina "Tulang", Diane "Kerbs - Kerbau", Jay "Jay San"..........we're all going home.......