she on her own ............and its killing her.

she tried to kill herself again. this time its not solely about her husband anymore. this time it was about her. about her being the black sheep. the one who ppl laughs and scoffs at. the one who should have died long time ago.

she dont care for her kids anymore. she said they are big enough to care for themselves. yes, this is because all her kids are not staying with her. even the youngest one who is still studying lives at her god-mom's place which is the opposite row of her own house. she only listened to her son. but when i tried to reach her son, i cant help but thinking that he turned off his phone like what the sister told me. how could he off his phone?! he is the one his mom loved best, the one whom her mom is most proud of! I know it has been a very difficult period for them, what with my sis tried to kill herself repeatedly over the last few months, with things getting worse each time. but still..............families dont give up on family member who is sick ! no. he didnt turned off his phone. there could be no coverage.

she turned to drugs for solace from her low self esteem. her lack of friends makes her believes that those junkies are her true friends. she have family, we are all here for her. but I came to realise tonight that she need not her family, she needs people who understands her, family or friends. she needs an understanding.

she is on a world of her own now. a very delusional place. right wrong true false are all over the place. that place of her is very scary and she is alone there.

aunkia

ahtiow miss blogging

I miss blogging.

But cant get myself to blog. There were things that I wanted to blog. Ideas. Happenings. Thoughts. But still, cant. Writer's block.

Btw, Stereophonics is a great band! =)

Cheers
ahtiow

Pain

"Inevitably, all pain is about longing for yesterday - whatever we had before, whatever used to be."........

At the same time, there is another kind of pain: Pain caused by fear of reduced yesterdays to be had with people that we care for.

Yet, we should always be in the know that it should not be how many yesterdays to be had, it should be how good the yesterdays were. Hence, try to make every todays a better yesterdays for the future.

......" But when pain doesn't go away fast enough, we criticize ourselves for not getting over it, for not being strong enough, or even for being vulnerable in the first place." - Letters to Sam: A grandfater's lessons on love, loss, and the gifts of life - Daniel Gottlieb

Pain will come. Its inevitable. Yet still, life moves on. Family and friends eases the journey for us.

hugs
ahtiow

ahtiow reminds.......

ahtiow hereby reminds all my dear friends: take good care of yourself, live healthtily, be happy, stay positive, know what are should's and what are shouldnt's, always do the right thing, steer yourself away from the bad ones, cherish your friends, care for your family, love and be loved, try to smile at all times, cry if you have to, grieve only to remind yourself how much you cared for the person that you are grieving for, be sad only to tell yourself how much you want things to always be the better, support each other in face of adversity and face it hands in hands, come out of it better than when you were in it and move on, and last but not least, stop once in a while and look around you, see, not just look, act and not just think, embrace life.

Love to all
ahtiow

Numb

ahtiow is numb with things happening around me. Tired of the way people act and think. Sick of being stuck in the middle of the mess and cant do anything to get anyone out of it.

I'm tired yet its not time to be tired.

Lightning streaks, teary bliss
Slicking on the grease
With company you will see
What this all is meant to be
You will see one day, Im here to stay
Hold your hand to me
We'll find a way

Innocence, garlands burn
All the memories
Transparencies, you will see
What this all is meant to be
You will see one day
I’m here to stay, hold your hand to me
We'll find a way

Close your eyes, snip your lashes
They fall within the ashes
The frosty old feeling, will melt oh so painlessly
Close your eyes, kill the darkness
The shears are in the closet
The muses they pray loud
For your listless journey to me
- Eyelash - Juliet the Orange



numb
ahtiow

Caged behind the Past

Sometimes what we think, especially those that we fear, can do so much harm than it has already done to us in the past. Just how many times did we let our past hinders our future? Or sometimes even our present? Regardless of whether we do it knowingly or not, regardless of whether we do it for a reason or no. It just happens. And sometimes, we do know that it is happening. Friends have been telling us not to let it happen, your partner (or the potential ones) has been pleading you not to let it happen, you yourself has been trying to not let it happen, but sometimes it just happens. It just does.

This is my personal view on this: The past has happened and passed. Good or bad, for better or for worse, it has happened. We can’t get back the past and patch up the holes. There will just be other holes popping up somewhere somehow. So, let it pass and move on. It’s only fair, to you, to him, to those who cares. Yes, we can look back at the past and yes, sometimes we do need to look back at the past. But for me, I like to look at the good times that we had, the reasons we were so happy being together, why we were so crazy with each other, the comfort of having someone there, the joy of seeing him/her, the bliss of being in his/her arm, the excitement preceding the things that we planned to do together, the sweetness of 2 beings, so different yet so compatible with each other, for each other. All these happens for reasons. And all reasons are good.

Of course, there are bad times. All relationships will have their bad times. Who are we kidding here? Of course there are! But I tend to leave it at that. I try not to look too much into the bad times. Call me optimist, call me naïve, call me coward. That’s just me. I will look at the past for answers as to why things happen. Not to find faults. I will look at the past to see how I should prevent shits from happening again. Not to indulge in self-pity.

You: You have put up a barrier between you and him. Yes, sometimes you let him go around the barrier to get closer to you, but you are still in a cage behind the barrier. He can still touch you and feel you, but in the end, you are still behind bars of the past. I know you have tried. I know. And it is hard. I didn’t say it will be easy. Even if I say it is easy as 1, 2, 3, you should know better that it is not easy. Yet, it will always be hard if you do not take the first step, your first step. Your past has prevented you from taking the first step. He have taken his step, he is waiting for you at the starting line. Give him a chance. Give yourself a chance. Take the first step toward the starting line. Doesn’t matter how it will turn out to be, as long as you have tried and he have tried, you have both done what’s needed and you shall cherish whatever that you have between you. The end is just a result. The journey is what that counts. Start the journey and let things take its course while you and him work together to steer the course towards a better journey. The end is too far a thing for you to think of now.

Be good to each other. Cherish each other. After all, you both started to get together to be cherished by each other.


每一天 都有一些事情將會發生
每段路 都有即將要來的旅程
每顆心 都有值得期待的成分
每個人 都有愛上另一個人 的可能

想愛 就不能害怕會有傷痕
沒有人完整 卻有人能信任
才找到永恆

想到達明天 現在就要啟程
只有你能帶我走向未來的旅程
想到達明天 現在就要啟程
你能讓我看見 黑夜過去
天開始明亮的 過程

- 范瑋琪 - 啟程

Cheers
ahtiow

ahtiow & photography

Was looking at the photos that I printed and put up on the walls in my room. It is always comforting to see those pictures and to be able to connect to those pictures, the people who were in the pictures, the stories behind the pictures, thoughts I had when I first looked at the picture, the thoughts I had after I editted the pictures the way I wanted, everything....

So glad that I took up this hobby. It has gone more than just a hobby for me.

For those of you who helped me along the way for my journey so far, I thank you
For those of you who were with me for those pictures, I thank you
For those of you who gave me ideas for the pictures, I thank you
For those of you who liked my pictures, I thank you
For you being you, I thank you

Ahtiow is grateful for all of this.


Hugs to all
ahtiow