My body, my mind, myself

......where is it? I miss them. This body and mind I have now does not feels like they belong to me. They're always too tired and stiff. Ahtiow's body and mind should not be like this. No.

Pillar of pillars

Sometimes I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know who to trust now. I can't grasp what's happening around me. I can't foresee the immediate road ahead. My mind's a jumble now. A mess.

I have some pillars of which to lean on from time to time. Some given to me, some created by me. The pillar that she is providing is the strongest one for me now. Soon, no matter what I do, most, if not all, shall be together with her, for her. No more me for myself.


The Guardian and The Guarded

Things are very messy as it is now for me, I should not let things grasp the slimmest chance that it can have to mess things up further for me. I can't and I don't want to take shit anymore.

Family's family, friend's are friends, things shall go ahead with me and her in the front, then the formers will have to be put behind for now, at least.

I still care a lot for my family, I will always be. I will always be the son, the youngest brother, the uncle, the me.

Now, I won't expect changes, it will be me making changes from now on.

Hugs,
me

A reminder to self

"With the moonlight to guide you, feel the joy of being alive, the day that you stop running is the day that you arrive, and the night that you got locked in was the night that you decide, stop chasing shadows just enjoy the ride" - Enjoy the Ride, Morcheeba

- A reminder to self: Life is a continuous process, do what I gotta do for now while constantly be grateful for all the good things thats happening around me. Its ok to be constantly on the run. What's important is to know when to take a breather. Don't stop for too long, procrastinations will get me nowhere. No matter how hard it is, you will stop running once you reach your destination. Keep the destinations in mind and enjoy the roads! By the way, ahtiow, don't forget, you are not alone in all this, you have your other half running with you now! =)

Love,
ahtiow

A retreat to ahtiow cave

When I strap my helmet on
I'll be long gone
'Cause I've been dying to leave
Yeah, I'll ride the range and hide all my loose change
In my bedroom

'Cause riding a dirtbike down a turnpike
Always takes it's toll on me

I've had just about enough
Of quote, "diamonds in the rough"
Because my backbone is paper thin
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in

If the bombs go off
The sun will still be shining
Because we've heard it said that every mushroom cloud
Has a silver lining (Though I'm always undermining too deep to know)



Swallow a drop of gravel and blacktop
'Cause the road tastes like wintergreen
The wind and the rain smell of oil and octane
Mixed with stale gasoline

I'll soak up the sound trying to sleep on the wet ground
I'll get ten minutes give-or-take
'Cause I just don't foresee myself getting drowsy
When cold integrity keeps me wide awake
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in

I'll keep my helmet on just in case my head caves in
'Cause if my thoughts collapse or my framework snaps
It'll make a mess like you wouldn't believe
Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track

And if my intentions stray
I'll wrench them away
Then I'll take my leave and I won't even look back
I won't even look back

12th August 2010

Been reading my previous few posts, realised how much I have abandoned the blog. And that reminds me of how much I abandoned my feelings inside as well, and the love and promises that I made with myself for her.

Last 2 months has been a fucking roller coaster ride for me and for her. We were thrown everywhere, smacked into everything, sometimes in the same direction, sometimes total opposites, sometimes alone, sometimes we dont even know what was what.

In my efforts to be the strong one for the both of us, I have gave up some other things. And it's only right for me to pull myself back and be the one that she loves.....and in doing so, she too, will be back to her own self, back to be the one that I love (I know, loving someone means to love her no matter what, when and how. Yet, I am not perfect, so, yeah, sometimes I can't stand it when she is not being herself) and need.

Love,
ahtiow

There's something in your eyes, that makes me wanna fall for you

There's something in your eyes, that makes me wanna fall for you, and fall heads over heels we did. Missing you so much, keep that something in your eyes, this is gonna pass and we're gonna be building our lives together.

The way we want it!

Love you!
Lougong

I miss my ahchichi so so much!!!!!